a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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