tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
