my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
