I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
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It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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