Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
