hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
