when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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