Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
