I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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