My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
