I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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