I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
