I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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