Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Your cock deserves a montage
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
