It's like God shit irony all over that family
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
