I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
