Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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