DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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