I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
