this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
