So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
