i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
