I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
