i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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