My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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