take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
