I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I smell like Dick and happiness
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
