You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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