So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
