first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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