My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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