my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
