when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
