youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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