I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
