I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
