saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
