i was born a porn star she said
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
