Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
