for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
