I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
