Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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