I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
