You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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