It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
