So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
