at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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