bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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