seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
