omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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