I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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