Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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