my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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