Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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