i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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