I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
