A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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