Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
