i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
