you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
