I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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