I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
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